CONTROL ISSUES

Editors Note: Last week half of this particular column was left sitting on the editors desk, therefore, “Control Issues” was not complete. We are running the entire column this week. CONTROL ISSUES I was speaking with a friend of mine about her control issues.  The issue of “Control” has been on my mind for quite a while.  This is not an easy subject, because it affects all of us in different ways, beginning with our Personal Self-Esteem, Relationships, Work, Politics, Global matters, and Spirituality. Control issues start with the individual, and ripple outward. But the scary thing is, the “outward ripple” comes back at the individual in an alarming way.  Will problems be solved by the individual, a few, mass consciousness, natural events, or spiritually? Is control the opposite of freedom?  How do we live together in Harmony with so many variables and in a time of crisis? I think most of us would agree, we live in a time where maintaining a sense of being and maintaining control of our lives is not easy.  Every day something or someone makes decisions that affect our lives, and much of it is unseen at first.  A friend, who has beach property in the Florida Keys, and many others, are worried about the oil spill that endangers our Coasts.  Many of us were unaware that the potential problem existed.  I recently heard about a nursing home where people were asked not to pray openly before their meals.  I guess it would depend on how one views that subject, but those involved seem to have lost control to do what they want to do.  Loss of control one feels when losing a job, and the chain of events that happens from that point on, is an every day reality for many. Control issues that arise from raising children, in a world that has changed, are continuously cropping up.  Control dealing with efforts to keep a relationship together, in harmony in the midst of chaos, when partners are individually moving in different directions, or having separate agendas, and getting their individual needs met, is just one example.  All of us have control issues in our lives.  The world has gotten “smaller,” and what happens affects all of us in a way that has not been known before.  I feel that understanding the issue of Control is important because it will identify the source and the purpose that channels it. As a visionary, I saw the “911” disaster happening, 20 years before it came to pass.  I was in an elevator going to the restaurant at the “Top of The World,” in one of the Towers, when the future was shown to me.  I won’t go into fine detail at this time (I will, however, write about the experience and others in later columns), but I was shown what was going to happen to the towers, and how it was going to change everything.  There are many global and political topics that deal with control. I want to start first with the individual.  There is a difference between control and responsibility.  Many do not want to take responsibility for their decisions and their lives.  We would often rather blame or let someone else do things for us.  What price do we pay?  How much of ourselves and our potential do we not discover?  Do we lose freedom and our “right to be”? Obviously, with so many living so close together, can everyone do whatever they want and affect others in a negative way? If so, would that not be Chaos?  Taking responsibility for our lives is the mature thing to do, and is necessary for self growth and development. There are two types of control. Taking control of our lives and not being a “puppet” to others or to negative situations, is one. That means taking responsibility. The other is the need to dominate another. Fixing a problem  often give the excuse for gaining control. A person is not respected or trusted to be who they really are, but they become the focus of the controller  who thinks they always know best.  Individual rights, and opinions, are met with opposition and consequences. Who and what are the controllers?  According to Thomas Shumaker, PSY  DRCSW, a Controller is someone, or a group, that gives the excuse for gaining control.  There is a need for a controller to run the show and to call all the shots. With a Controller, if you don’t do what they want, there are often negative consequences, and you will know very quickly they are unhappy.  The controller often is perceived to have your best interest at heart.  They want to be seen in a certain way.  Appearance is often important to make them feel good. A few common names of control disorders are: Self-Centered, Self –Absorbed, Control Freak, Stress and Anxiety syndromes, Neat Freak, Bully, Obsessive Compulsive, Repetition Compulsion, Super-Mom, Workaholic, Perfectionist, Phobias, Narcissists, and Sadistic. We all have experienced some of these traits, and have been affected by others with the same tendencies.  The common ingredient is: the fear of being vulnerable.  It is a lack of trust that other people can keep us safe. We must control the situation at all costs.  The controller can not stand when someone does not do something “right,” according to their standards. The controller does not recognize another’s experience. There is a definite need to be taken seriously. You either feel a need to control your own environment or control someone else’s.  The need to control is usually justified in the eyes of the controller; therefore it gives license to dominate. In the next column, I will briefly cover the disorders and solutions.  Most of us have a small need to control.  Some have the opposite need, to not take control of their lives, to the point that they become the victim of the controllers. Both extremes cause problems and can be dangerous.  I believe Freedom is important, but so is harmony and the rights of others.  It is tricky, but there is a way to tell what is healthy and what is not.  So until next week… Have a peaceful and prosperous week! Nancy Barr can be reached:
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